They say the fear of death was so palpable for many of the soldiers in World War 1 that very commonly they would scream for their mothers. This morning’s spin class was perhaps as close a moment for me.
In the preparations leading up to the class it seemed all innocuous. In adhering to Mary’s instructions I arrived well before 8:15 and not long after SF turned up and then Mary. I was a bit taken aback that we were there so early given the gym didn’t open until 9:00 am.
However, Mary being well versed in the rites of gym etiquette pointed out the first order was we had to stack our packs in order from the entry. She seemingly placed her’s first followed by me then SF, but quickly changed the order to accommodate a Chilean man who let’s say was called “Eddie” who she placed first in the queue.
Eddie was a mysterious man of contradictions, very fit and wearing the longest pair of shorts. The length of his shorts were as long as those worn by the Bay City Rollers back in the 70’s. Eddie’s weren’t of tartan, but rather corduroy.
Once our packs were placed we could leave the entry of the gym and proceed straight over to the “Coffee Club”. In making polite conversation SF claimed his maximum coffee intake was 4 in a day. Not to be out done Eddie admitted his was 16 in a day.
Eddie then took us immediately from the topic of coffee to his approach with love in life, which he described as “hit and run” with a week with any girlfriend being long enough. After this duration Eddie found women would then start introducing toothbrushes and underpants into the relationships, which was all too much for him to cope with and led to him crying a lot.
We were then joined by Michelle who Mary cautioned both myself and SF to be highly wary of and by all means we were not to inadvertently take her “spin” bike. While her drawn on eye brows gave her a slight menacing appearance she was petite in stature and had an amiable nature. According to Mary though she’d physically beaten up some unknown who’d previously hopped on her bike by mistake.
Despite Michelle’s reputation and Eddie’s bravado they along with Mary spoke in somewhat reverential terms to who was to be our spin class instructress Amanda. Getting into Amanda’s class was considered a real coup.
SF and I asked some questions about Amanda in order to get some idea as to what to expect, but all kept stumm.
As the time approached nine the queue to the gym’s entrance got longer and longer that it snaked around the shopping centre’s mezzanine level.
Then at nine the doors opened and Eddie and Mary raced ahead of SF and I, which we later discovered was to get the best bikes together and in the front of Amanda’s class.
SF and I not wanting to give the impression this was our first spin class spent our time adjusting our bikes under Mary’s supervision. Michelle I noticed didn’t need to adjust her bike as it seemed no one had been on it since she’d ridden it the last time.
While adjusting to the whole scene I was taken aback a bit when Eddie took off his shorts to reveal a pair of shorts of completely different dimensions to his outer shorts. This pair bordered on close to being a mankini. Eddie was also on the front row and as close to Amanda’s elevated stage you could get.
I later found that Eddie harboured secret ambitions that if some terrible fate should befall Amanda he would be ready to take over, after 8 or 9 coffees.
However, Amanda did arrive fit and according to Mary with a new do, sporting shorter locks.
Amanda gave a rather pleasant introduction to the extent that once the doors to the class close “our arses belong to her”. She and the whole scene for that matter seemed pleasant to this point.
Things then changed dramatically when the doors closed and the room darkened with only ultraviolet light, which is disconcerting on its own as it tends to highlight semen and other stains from bodily emissions.
Suddenly, I felt the urge to call for “Mummy”, but too late!
Amanda took on a deep crimson glow and with a massive console beside her she turned on what would have been music, but was so loud it was completely distorted to a dizzying vibration. By having the “music” up so loud it gave complete justification for Amanda to scream at us for the whole duration of the class.
It became very evangelical as Amanda would scream with delight a rhetorical question as to how we were enjoying the pain to which some Einsteiny guy would scream back “praise the lord” and “I have see the light”.
At one point Amanda leapt off the stage and screamed in my face to go harder, Jesus was coming and it was time to atone.
As noted in SF’s report he became disorientated having earlier called out “Mummy” and the only enjoyable part to the whole class – the stretching and cooling down led to causing him further pain by throwing two of his ribs out.
As we reached the end of the class Amanda advised that next week’s class would have new music or vibrations for those of us she deafened and it would be way more difficult, so some of us may like to think about that before turning up again next Sunday.
I came out soaking wet, deaf and yes with spinning head. RW was there in the foyer. He’d been to Waterfall choosing to do this in preference to undergoing what SF and I had.
Mary on the other hand endured the class without a hitch. After helping SF and I to a chair she ordered us coffees and tea.
After recovering sufficiently I headed home. I sincerely hope it’s not raining next sunday.